Thursday, April 14, 2011

Dilemma Dilemma Dilemma

I want some magic right now.*Magic magic magic* I wish for some magic right now to make my dilemma disappear. It's like my head is so full of where, why, where, why, where, why going in circles round and round without an exit.

It had been quite a while since I last face with a dilemma as great as this. Sure, after SPM I was faced with the dilemma of whether to continue STPM or to take up A-levels/foundations/SAM but that quickly got settled as my parents kinda made up the decision for me. Then even after STPM, to decide which uni and course to major in was quite clear cut and I didn't had much of a dilemma.

Up until now. I always thought this day will not come so soon, but it's here finally. I often thought that I will automatically know where to put, which hospital to choose when the day comes, but right now, when the day has finally arrive, my mind is even more blank than ever. Even though I does occasionally thinks about it especially after my friends or family asked me about where do I want to work after I graduate (a popular topic of conversation since I started final yr), I usually brushed it off thinking that when the day comes, the questions will answer for itself. Unfortunately, this is not the case here. We had been handed the BMD (Borang Maklumat Diri) a few weeks ago and everytime I look at it, I'm in as much of a dilemma as I'm now, if not even more with each passing day so much so that I just left it sitting in a corner of my room silently, wishing that someday when I wake up, 'poof, I will instantaneously know which 3 hospitals to choose'. There are simply too many factors to consider, from family to HT to chances of specialization in future etc.

Most of the people I know will definitely put back their hometown as their first choice simply because working back in hometown means being closer to family and friends back home. Working back in hometown means getting to live in your very own comfort zone, where your family are close by. You know that you'll be able to get good emotional support from them and will be supposedly taken good care of; they will provide you with proper daily meals, take care of your house chores, to comfort you when you are being scolded by your specialist and to offer you listening ears and hugs when you cannot find comfort anywhere else. That is provided you have a supportive and understanding family and not one that creates more drama to add more stress to your life. I know it sounds as though we are so pampered these days, but it's not like we cannot live independently (for me). The thing is, who doesn't like to have their meals and chores being taken care of? Who doesn't want  it when you are so stress and on the verge of breaking down and there's all those never ending support readily available? Especially with all the horror stories we hear of housemanship in Malaysia, after working 36 hours straight, who will want to spend it doing house chores instead? And if we are closer to our family, we can also take care of our parents especially.

But even after deciding the state that I want to work in, I do not know exactly which hospital to put as my 1st choice. Well rumors had it that JB are lacking of housemen so whichever hospital that you put as your first choice will be the one that you'll likely get. So it's back to like whether I want to work in a hospital that is already flooding with HOs or one that is newly developing. Or one that is nearer to home or further from home.

Then if I work back in my hometown and HT work back in his, it would means that we have to go through the challenge of LDR. Actually, for some, where they choose to work depends on their partners but I guess for us, it will be really up to fate ( dont want to believe in fate this time also cannot) of whether we will be posted to the same hospital anot.

I actually did consider applying to Sabah too because actually I dont really mind working in KK itself. Furthermore my bro is there, so I'm not exactly all alone if I got posted there but one thing a lot of people are saying is that, once you get posted there, you hardly gets to come back to West Malaysia anymore simply because no one else wants to go there to take over you. And the thing is, once anyone writes Sabah or Sarawak as one of their choices, they will almost definitely get their choice one so unless I'm really sure I want to work there, I cannot just simply write it as one of my choices now to decide later.

Honestly, this must be one of the toughest 3 choices I will ever have to made in my life. I know life is full of tough choices but this is definitely one of it. We have to submit in the form real soon already so no matter how much I'll like to live in denial, the time has come to face reality. We had a taklimat by the MOH and also the SPA this morning and that's like a snoozer to wake up from denial. I like to challenge myself to break away from my comfort zone but deep down, I know my family will miss me badly and I will miss home too no matter what so I dont think I can escape from putting my hometown hospitals among my choices. The other choices might be other nearby states or at least somewhere with a direct flight! I really wish that when I wake up tomorrow, the choices will be crystal clear suddenly. #hopingformiracle. I wish I didn't have to consider so much or that I have the courage to just pick Sabah or Sarawak without thinking so much. I need some comfort food right now. My head is almost exploding from thinking about this already. It's time for a break from thinking about this. :)

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1 fondue dips :

Since you are just starting your career, I would work near your family to start (for all of the reasons that you indicated).

Then once you've worked at a hospital in your hometown for a year or two, and you are more comfortable, or if you just want a change -- then you can always try to move to a different hospital in a different town later -- right?

Since I believe in predestination....and that all things happen for a reason -- you can be sure that whatever choice you do end-up making, it will definitely be for a reason. That doesn't guarantee a good outcome though -- just that you may have meant to work at that particular place so you can learn something, to test you, or maybe to find your true soul-mate and partner in life, etc.

Regardless, I know that you will be successful in your career no matter which decision that you make. :-)